Devil's Puke Bowl: A Tale of Two Pritties
April 24, 2004
To quote Charles Stricky Dickens:
It was the best of times (Labor sweeps Top 4 at Bully-vard RR!)
It was the worst of times (Labor loses G-Spot to adNozium Hackfuk at PVSR)
It was the best of times (Labor sweeps Top 5 at Redlands Crit!!!)
It was the worst of times (Labor loses Alessandro KB-Tacky to fractured pelvis and shattered wrist)
It was the best of times (Labor sweeps Top 2 at PVSR!!)
It was the worst of times (Labor loses MKA to rare Capo Beach Pneumonia strain)
It was the best of times (Labor Vampire wins 30+ RR at Sea Squatter and Paul Tracy takes Long Beach GPee!!!)
It was the worst of times (Labor loses team guru, MM Hackenfuk to Soylent Green Socks Deal)
Which brings us to the annual demon-rights of bike-race suffering: The Devils Puke Bowl RR, or the Tale of Two Pritties....Another Savage Burn.
Terra-anus Diablo: Earth of the Devils arse. Over-turned, uplifted tectonics. Craggy lunar landscape. Choked, burnt, shrubs. Brittle chaparral. Nary a shade spatter nor splotch. Eksoskeletal dessication cracks. Peeling cancerous skin. Discarded Locust husks. My mind is clearer now. Bowls have basins. Yes. And sidewalls. Climbing welcomed. Time trialing also required. Piss and puke drains eventually. Into the sea. Course is held in the high desert 50 miles upwind of LA Basin. On my map it's a "beautiful death depot" called Flailblossom, CA. Located Half way to Barstow, which technically is more than Half way to Hell.
Four Labor Demon-Sniffing Dogs at the line for the 3-Lap 35+ RR: No Fear Freakin-Rican, L-Ron Saltsman, G-Stars and Stripes, and HoverHawk Illuminata-pull. Rican just got back from Paul Tracy's Vegas mansion, where they shared a plate of Tic-Tacs and garlic flavored pine nuts. Re-lived last week's glory of PT's epic Vee at Long Beach. Strategies discussed. Then executed at the Piss Bowl: Gun sounds and Rican hits his thrusters. His bike chassis rockets forward. Automatically adding 50 hp's of thrust.
The post position Launch is perfectly savage. Tracy calls it the "Push and Pass" maneuver (push the turbo button on the steering column, close yer eyes and hope the lead car does not break too hard sending you into and thru the back molars of the last rider you trusted just before you die). Hawk swears he sees Rican's machine go sideways, arcing for the walls then straights up and disappears up the throat of the Devil. Oh. Five latch on (including G-spot and Jerry GI Jayne of HamJam). Good.
6-man break incites a full lap of lung broiling hot pursuit by the pack. We hit 32 mph on the flat section. Lron and Hawk plugging and rubbing the chasers. After one lap away, the break is nearly hooked at the penultimate Stair-step Climb (Alpe d' Lucifers Ladder). Massive bring-back pulls by Kiwi Rouse, Desert Rat Bros, various heroes, and finally, Ricky Skweeker. Rican caught and pist. His efforts not in vain. Hawk counters immediately, followed by "Toons", aka "T-Bagger Vance" (Team Orange D-Rod Hair), and the highly touted Chuck Yeager (Might-be-Giant Factory). The three work unified for final 2 laps, building 40 second lead.
Toons is the key. He loves to burn things. Including his own Carrot Top Head. Toons So fired up, last week he dies his erstwhile brown-topped grill – changes it to a day-glo hue titled "Electric Mango Tango Fire and Slurpy". For an extreme makeover, one can get the exact same look down at the Flailblossom Salon on 666 Ave. Just ask the toothless kerosine-breath stylist: "Hey. Had some trouble over in the valley. Quickly. Gimme a Devils Do" (see photo). The stylist is named Clem "Snake" Lipskin. His wiry frame wrapped with tats of reptiles and pagan images. Drives a backhoe and wears a gold chain.
Toons is a loveable freak. Strong Angel-dude. Also talented graphics animator/sketch artists. In fact, Toons co-Laborated with Herr Hippstar on Labors Marvel Comics-like swag design. Toons has his artist mitts all over Labor's current team unis. Along with HippStar Design, he Created the Flying Captain Nim, the ego figure on left shoulder (1.2 K Dreamer, with the UFO Blue Hair goggles) and the "ultra" ego figure on right shoulder ($12K Dreamer replete with Hanna Barbara bug-eyes and raining Richie Rich dollar bills). Toons ,is aka "T-Bag" (stems from incident where he posted-up with Cleveland at Annual 3on 3 Hoop Dreams tourney held at the annual Labor Power Clam bake). Clee, donning his King LeBron James NBA-issued Cleveland jersey, was playing dirty under the boards, so Toons counter-defended with the no-look wrap-around hand-clamp to Clee's fambly twigs and berries....Cleveland screeched up one full octave: "I call Illegal T-Bag -- You don't come up on my clanging Bling-Blings!!" never seen such ugliness in the paint since Lambier and Billy Paultz did the Slow-White-Man's-Waltz" (sidebar: that floppy, flabby, white pasty gangsta Billy Paultz had a great nicky: "The Whopper", Houston Rockets, 1980, what a tomato can he was).
Hawk wondering. Toons. Loony. Uh-buh-dee. The key. Uh-buh-dee. Friend or Foe? And does wiley coyote Chuck Yeager have the Right Stuff? Hawk figures - these 2 Pritties are affiliated. Hawk hails outta Food Park Natz and Como Worlds in The Mean Streets of The O.C. Loyalties, intel and coalitions ill-defined. Questions. Stock Options.Does hawk OWE Toons (Toons DID work as Labor Illustrator -- But only for Peanuts without the Charles Schultz Vig), or does Toons OWE Hawk (don't forget Team Labor fed you fried cheese and Cleveland bawls). Where to invest? Such questions have no place in a bike race. Hawk understands the Loyalty of beating Labor outweighs all other complicities. Plus, they're both from Smell-Aye and train at the DoNut Ride with super heros Jeff Pierce and other non-salaried Monex pro's like Leg Tits.
End of Partnership. Cadaver smelling distance of the Vee....time to ante-up in a game of Brimstone and CutThroat. Toons makes two hard attacks at 6km.. Hawk's Legs spinning like Head top of Linda Blair with the pea-soup vomit whirlybird.... Covered. Final approach: 400 m, Toons rolls the big gear at the point with Hawk and Chucky Yeager on the rail....[The Stones now playing in my transistor Radio Head - "I shouted out Who Killed the Kennedies?! - when after all it was YOU and ME...uh-get-down-keef"].
In the end, Hawk goes Full Metal Nihilist, denies the Devil Made Him Do it...and shows his own end-Trail of 2 Pritties [Don't believe in BEATLES, just believe. In me. Darling wife, Yoko and me].
Team Labor and the 3 slayers later break bread, and share a communal bowl of Goatheads Soup at the Flailblossom BBQ/Jerky/Nuts/Dime Store Roadside Attraction. Each parlayed the 1.2K earnings. Shopped for that special purchase to bring South back to the loved ones. Chuck Yeager left with an antler-framed velvet rendering of Elvis. Toons T. Bagger Vance with a five dollar plastic "Indian" Dream Catcher (bright orange). HoverHawk - a ceramic King Charles Cavalier Spaniel Devil Dog (decked with Gremlin Horns, pitchfork, and crimson red cape). Each of us withdraw alone from this Hell Hole Town, like dust... in wind. Each pretending we do not hear the savage laughter passing the roadside plyboard sign which crudely summons: "Down and Out? Need Legal Advice? I can Do the Deal. Call Today. Law Offices of Lou Cipher".
Back home, sobered by love and shelter, we remain convinced that life will go on despite all the violence and injustice by evil-doers....See photo (photo Credit: Lovely Mrs. Toons T. Bagger).
Devils Advocate Punch Bowl RR, 35+:
1st - Hoodee HoverHawk, Labor ...No Sympathy for the Dee
2nd - Chuck Yeager- The Right Stuft.
3rd - Toons the T-Bagger... beep-beep.
4th - ChickenLegs Anderson
5th - Kiwi Rouse
6th - Benny the Pool Boy Parks
7th - Ricky Skweeker
8th - Droober
Huge kudos to Rican, Gspot and L-ron for the set-up and cover down....Great Vee for Labor by Labor.
Deamers (80 miles):
1- Hammer'n Cameron - Monex- profitting from Vampy's Vindication
2- VAMPIRE - LABOR
3- TURBO - HamJam (no JAX)
This was beyond epic. Vampy went from the gun and totally embarassed his former team, R-PMS who had a full squad of chasing nims (Harm Johnson et al). Put 6 minutes on pel. Turbo Later attacked and put 3 min on pel
2 of top 3 Dreamers 42+ !!!!
Stricky only Labor to head north LA in crit....Took on entire Team Gloomy (Hobbs, Butch, Black etc....) and Lapped the Field with Insanely angry TURBO
1 - perTurbo
2- Stricky Dicky - Labor